It’s easy to fall into the trap of living for other people. Society, family, culture, and media are full of messages about what a “successful” or “happy” life should look like. We hear these messages so often that they can become the script we follow without question, even if that script isn’t right for us.
But what if the life you truly want goes against the grain? What if the path to your own fulfillment means breaking free from the ‘shoulds’ that have quietly shaped your life for years?
Why We ‘Should’ Ourselves
At their core, ‘shoulds’ are the internalized expectations we pick up from the world around us. These can come from family, friends, teachers, pop culture, or societal norms, and they often start early in life.
Research shows that parental influence, particularly in early to mid-puberty, can have a lasting impact on the values and goals we set for ourselves, creating a powerful foundation of shoulds that can persist well into adulthood.
Common ‘shoulds’ might include:
“I should have my life figured out by now.”
“I should be in a committed relationship.”
“I should be thinner to be happy.”
“I should have a high-paying career.”
“I should be over this by now.”
These expectations can act like a set of invisible rails, guiding us down a path that isn’t necessarily aligned with our true desires or values. For some, this script can be comforting, offering clear milestones and a sense of direction. But for many others, it can feel suffocating and misaligned.
The Cost of Living by ‘Shoulds’
When the ‘shoulds’ we’ve internalized align with our true values, they can serve as motivating guideposts. But when they don’t, the impact can be deeply unsettling. Living according to someone else’s idea of success can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. It can also cause anxiety, depression, burnout, and a pervasive sense of emptiness, even if you appear to be successful by external standards.
According to self-determination theory, humans are most fulfilled when they act in ways that align with their intrinsic motivations and values, rather than external pressures or expectations. This means that regardless of culture or background, people tend to thrive when they feel free to make choices based on their own desires rather than the expectations of others. This also explains why even those who appear to “have it all” can feel disconnected or unsatisfied if their choices are driven by shoulds rather than authentic wants.
Why the ‘Shoulds’ Don’t Always Fit
Society often presents a narrow definition of success, emphasizing milestones like marriage, homeownership, steady careers, and financial security. While these markers can be fulfilling for some, they aren’t a universal path to happiness. Research on the psychological impact of these traditional life scripts shows that people who deviate from them often report higher levels of life satisfaction when their choices align with their true values.
For example, choosing to remain single, pursue a creative career, or prioritize travel over financial stability might seem risky or unconventional, but it can also be profoundly satisfying for those whose core values align with these paths. The key is understanding what truly matters to you and making choices that reflect those priorities.
Breaking Free: 5 Steps to Redefine Your Path
- Identify Your ‘Shoulds’ – Start by making a list of all the shoulds you find yourself repeating. These might be about your career, relationships, body image, or lifestyle choices.
- Challenge Their Origin – For each should, ask yourself: where did this come from? Is it a family expectation, a cultural norm, or an internalized message from the media or peers? Or is it something that you deeply want and agree with?
- Replace ‘Should’ with ‘Want or “Need”’ – When you catch yourself saying, “I should,” try substituting it with “I want” or “I need.” This simple shift can reveal what truly matters to you and highlight areas where you may be living for others and it can give you the flexibility to more freely choose what is most aligned for you.
- Focus on Your Core Values – Reflect on the values that genuinely resonate with you. What kind of life would make you proud or fulfilled, regardless of how it might look to others?
- Practice Self-Compassion – Understand that breaking free from deeply ingrained expectations is a gradual process. Celebrate the small victories and be kind to yourself when you struggle to let go of old scripts, you’re not going to re-wire your brain overnight.
Choosing Your Own Adventure
Living authentically can be challenging, especially when the world around you has a different idea of what a ‘good life’ should look like. But the reward is profound: a life that feels truly yours, free from the pressures of conformity and full of meaningful, self-defined achievements.
As Joseph Campbell wisely said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” If you’re ready to break free from the ‘shoulds’ and start living life on your terms, we at Peacefulway are here to help. Our team of compassionate, skilled therapists can guide you through this process, offering support and insight as you reclaim your path to happiness. Reach out today for a free 15-minute consultation and take the first step toward a more authentic life.
My goal is to provide a safe and welcoming place for you as you take steps to improve your life and find your own path towards fulfillment and satisfaction. Call or message today to schedule your free phone consultation or arrange your first appointment.