The Silent Relationship Killer: How Contempt Destroys Love and What to Do About It

To a degree, fights are normal in a relationship. Building a life with someone naturally involves challenges and compromises, and disagreements are often nothing to worry about. But there’s a tipping point—one that can be hard to recognize until it’s already done damage. That tipping point is contempt.

Contempt is one of the most toxic forces in a relationship, and recognizing it early can make all the difference.

What Does Contempt Look Like?

 

Imagine you’re in a fight with your partner—maybe about something big, maybe something trivial. Frustration builds, and then comes an eye-roll, a mocking tone, or a sarcastic jab that cuts deeper than it should. It might seem like a fleeting moment, but these small acts can signal a much bigger threat growing beneath the surface: contempt.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, calls contempt the “kiss of death”. In his research, he found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Unlike anger or frustration—which can still leave room for care—contempt sends a different message. It communicates superiority, disgust, and disrespect. If left unaddressed, it slowly chips away at the foundations of love: trust, safety, and connection.

But there’s hope. Contempt can be unlearned and replaced with healthier patterns that rebuild intimacy and strengthen your bond.

What Is Contempt in Relationships?

Contempt isn’t just anger or irritation—it’s a deeper, more corrosive emotional tone. It’s often how we unconsciously express feelings of disdain, disconnection, or superiority. It can sneak into interactions in subtle but powerful ways. It may look like: 

• Sarcasm or mocking (“Oh, great, another brilliant idea from you.”)

• Eye-rolling, sneering, or scoffing

• Belittling or name-calling (“You’re so lazy, no wonder nothing gets done around here.”)

• Speaking down to your partner as if they are inferior (“Wow, I guess I have to explain everything to you?”)

• Dismissing your partner’s feelings (“You’re overreacting. You always do.”)

At its core, contempt communicates one painful message: “I don’t respect you.”

Why Is Contempt So Destructive?

It Creates Emotional and Physical Distance

Contempt doesn’t foster connection—it shuts it down. When someone feels belittled or inferior, they’re less likely to open up. Over time, they may begin to feel unloved, disconnected, and emotionally unsafe. This can lead to both emotional and physical withdrawal.

People might stop sharing their feelings out of fear of being ridiculed or dismissed. That silence deepens the gap between partners and leaves core issues unresolved.

It Increases Anxiety and Avoidance

Many people stuck in contempt-heavy dynamics feel constant anxiety. They may worry their partner doesn’t like them, or that speaking up will only cause more conflict. This anxiety leads to avoidance, where issues continue to fester, feeding the cycle of disconnection and pain.

It Erodes Trust and Safety

Healthy relationships require emotional and physical safety. Contempt makes people feel judged, unworthy, and on edge. Conversations begin with defensiveness instead of curiosity or care. The couple stops seeing the problem as the enemy and begins seeing each other as the enemy.

When fear or tension is the starting point, vulnerability becomes nearly impossible—which makes collaborative problem-solving feel out of reach.

It Damages Physical Health

Contempt doesn’t just damage relationships—it affects your body. A 2023 study found that couples who regularly engage in negative communication patterns have weaker immune systems and higher stress levels.

Chronic contempt can increase the risk of anxiety and depression. You may notice physical symptoms like disrupted sleep, appetite changes, or low energy—all signs your body is responding to the stress of the relationship.

Where Does Contempt Come From?

One of the hardest parts about contempt is that it doesn’t appear overnight. It builds slowly, often unnoticed, until the damage is hard to ignore. Here are a few common roots of contempt:

• Unresolved resentment – When problems go unaddressed, frustrations compound. You may keep fighting about the same issue over and over—like a value difference or boundary being crossed—until bitterness replaces compassion.

• Unmet emotional needs – If your needs are consistently dismissed or ignored, it’s natural to feel hurt or angry. Some people withdraw, while others escalate their attempts to be heard. Over time, this can turn into resentment and contempt.

• Negative narratives about your partner – How we interpret our partner’s behavior matters. If they forget to take out the trash, you could assume they were busy—or assume they’re lazy and don’t care. When contempt builds, we tend to default to the worst-case stories, even if they’re not true.

• Modeled behavior from childhood – If you grew up in a home where contempt or belittling was common, you might replicate those patterns without realizing it. Many people don’t know what healthy communication looks like, because they were never shown.

5 Steps to Stop Contempt Before It’s Too Late

1. Identify and Acknowledge Contempt

The first step is awareness. You and your partner must begin noticing when contempt shows up in your dynamic. Does sarcasm creep in during arguments? Are there subtle eye-rolls or cutting remarks? Do disagreements start to feel more like power struggles?

Reflection Exercise:

• Think back to your last argument—did any contemptuous behaviors surface?

• How did those moments make you feel?

• How might they have impacted your partner?

2. Shift Criticism to Appreciation

Contempt thrives in relationships where partners feel unappreciated. A powerful antidote is gratitude.  Appreciation helps shift focus from what’s wrong to what’s working. It challenges negative assumptions and allows your partner to feel seen and valued. Plus, it’s more motivating than constant criticism.

Try This:

Instead of saying: “You never help around the house.”
Say: “I really appreciate it when you take care of the dishes. It makes my day easier.”

3. Communicate Complaints Without Contempt

Disagreements are inevitable. What matters is how they’re expressed. Use “I” statements and gentle start-ups to express your needs without blaming or attacking your partner.

Example:

Instead of: “You’re so selfish. You never think about me.”
Say: “I feel hurt when my needs aren’t considered. Can we talk about how to make this more balanced?”

This creates space for honest dialogue and collaborative problem-solving without defensiveness.

4. Strengthen Your Emotional Connection

Contempt grows in disconnection. The less emotionally bonded you feel, the easier it is to see your partner through a negative lens. Intentionally nurturing connection can change that.

Ideas to Reconnect:

• Weekly check-ins: Ask, “How are we doing?” “Is there anything unresolved we need to revisit?” “How do we want to connect this week?”

• Shared activities: Try cooking, walks, board games, or exploring a new hobby together. Prioritize fun and shared joy.

• Physical affection & kind gestures: This can include small touches, compliments, acts of service, or thoughtful gifts—whatever helps both of you feel loved.

5. Seek Professional Support If Contempt Persists

If contempt feels like a recurring pattern or continues to escalate, couples therapy can help. Working with a professional offers a safe space to address resentment, learn new communication skills, and rebuild trust.

And therapy isn’t always about “fixing” the relationship. Sometimes it helps people clarify whether staying together is still the healthiest path. Therapy can guide couples through that process respectfully and with compassion.

Helpful Therapies for Contempt in Relationships:

• Gottman Method Couples Therapy – Focuses on building friendship and constructive conflict management.

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – Focuses on bringing awareness to emotions, strengthening bonds, and improving communication.

Choose Connection Over Contempt

Contempt can be a serious threat to a relationship—but it’s not inevitable. With awareness, care, and the right support, couples can heal and grow stronger together.

And if you’re feeling stuck, know that you don’t have to navigate this alone. Seeking support can be the first step toward clarity, healing, and connection.

If you and your partner are struggling, we at Peacefulway have a multitude of couples therapists happy to help you on your journey. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation here. 

Remember, you deserve a relationship where both partners feel loved, respected, and heard.

Additional Resources:

Recommended Books:

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman – A research-backed guide to strengthening relationships.
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson – Focuses on attachment and emotional connection in couples.
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg – Teaches compassionate communication techniques.

Online Resources & Therapy Directories:

• The Gottman Institute (www.gottman.com) – Articles, research, and a therapist directory.
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Directory (www.iceeft.com) – Find EFT-trained therapists.
• Psychology Today Therapist Directory (www.psychologytoday.com) – Search for couples therapists near you, and filter by insurance.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org) – If contempt has escalated into emotional or verbal abuse, seek support.