Couples TherapyDanica MitchellSex Therapy

Let’s Talk About Sex: Should I Share My Fetish?

Should I share my fetishShould I share my fetish? It can be daunting when we feel a part of our experience or identity will be judged, and may even be shamed, by someone else. Especially in relationships, when we want our partners to love and accept all parts of us it is particularly intimidating.

Fetish or Kink?

There is a difference between a fetish and a kink. A kink is an act that is usually considered something outside of conventional sexual activity, or “not vanilla”. A fetish is different in that it is an act or environment that must be present in order to experience sexual arousal or enjoyment. Unfortunately, many common kinks and fetishes are still stigmatized. If it is important to you, and the connection you want to have with a partner, you should share your sexual preferences, kinky or not. And if a particular act is a fetish it is vital to share it with your partner in order to have a sexual dynamic that is pleasurable to you. 

Given that it’s a good idea to talk about your kinks or fetishes, how do you go about such a daunting task? 

How Do I Share My Fetish or Kink?

Be honest, direct, and vulnerable. It can be enticing to use humor to make a potentially awkward conversation easier, but clear communication is likely to have a better result. You can start with “Hey do you mind if I share something with you, and we can talk about it” as an introduction. It’s ok to be nervous, and it might help if you let them know you’re anxious about this conversation. 

Be ready to educate. There still remains much misinformation, ignorance, and even fear about the kink community. Be prepared to give your partner time to learn about the specific experiences you enjoy and what they mean to you on a deeper level. Share how you found your fetish and any experiences you had learning either through educational content or the kink community. It can be great to provide resources for your partner if they are interested in learning more on their own time. It is also likely that they may have some misconceptions and may make some inaccurate assumptions. Do your best not to judge or internalize any comments. 

Be patient. Once you introduce the topic, these conversations will likely develop into more detailed talks over time.  Remember, you went through your own learning process about your fetish/kink, and they will need to go through theirs. We cannot force people to like what we like. However, we can let them understand why we enjoy things and find creative ways to incorporate them if they are willing. And if they are open to engaging in the particular act or preference know that they should start participating in small steps. They will need to communicate their experience and process feelings. As they get more comfortable and find their own enjoyment, you can slowly add more elements. 

Explore their fantasies as well. Sharing your kinks and fetishes can create a wonderful opportunity for each partner to explore their sexual interests more honestly. This also takes the pressure off of one person being the focus. If you both are sharing, sex can get really fun and creative. 

Provide reassurance if they need it. Many partners fear learning about a kink or fetish will change the relationship. If you don’t think it will (at least not in a bad way) let them know and provide comfort. Always thank them for understanding and taking the time to listen. Also, provide comfort for yourself. It can be exhausting and scary to open up and start a bigger conversation, so do what makes you feel safe and cared for as well. 

Kinks and fetishes are normal. And we all deserve a sex life full of pleasure and joy. Being honest and open about what you like in the bedroom is a good step in creating the erotic life you deserve.

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