We’ve all been there at one point or another—tensions are rising, emotions are building, and you choose to keep the peace at the cost of your own voice.
Self-silencing is the act of withholding your thoughts, needs, or feelings to avoid conflict. Occasionally, choosing not to speak up may be a valid strategy. But when it becomes a consistent pattern, it can lead to emotional disconnection, resentment, and even self-abandonment. In the short term, it may feel like you’re protecting your relationships, but in the long run, you may be slowly eroding them.
This pattern is especially common for women, LGBTQ+ individuals, BIPOC folks, and other marginalized communities who face additional societal pressures not to “rock the boat.”
So how do you know when self-silencing is a problem, and what can you do about it?
What Self-Silencing Looks Like
Self-silencing isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always look like biting your tongue in a heated argument. It can be subtle—almost invisible to others, and sometimes even to yourself.
It may look like:
- Not expressing when you’re hurt or frustrated—always saying “it’s fine” when it’s really not.
- Agreeing to things you’re uncomfortable with—in romantic, sexual, familial, or social situations—to avoid confrontation.
- Avoiding difficult conversations about your needs for fear of rejection or being seen as “too much.”
According to an article published by Harvard University Press, self-silencing has been linked to increased rates of depression in women. Through learned self-censorship, people become trapped in roles that keep them from pursuing happiness or having their needs met.
Where It Comes From
Most behaviors are rooted in multiple sources, including personality traits, childhood experiences, cultural narratives, and past traumas.
Childhood Dynamics: Childhood lays the foundation for many adult behaviors. If your needs were dismissed or emotions invalidated growing up, you might have learned that speaking up creates conflict and should be avoided. Over time, that can evolve into a deep belief that your voice isn’t welcome.
Cultural and Societal Pressures: Many cultures emphasize harmony, obedience, or self-sacrifice, and may even glorify self-silencing as maturity or emotional control. Women and marginalized communities in particular may be told directly or indirectly that their needs should come last.
Past Trauma: If you’ve been emotionally shut down in past relationships, self-silencing can become a survival strategy. It may have served an important purpose at one point, but when it persists long after the threat is gone, it can be incredibly isolating.
Personality: Some people are naturally more introverted or conflict-averse. While there’s nothing wrong with being quiet or thoughtful, it’s important to recognize the difference between intentional silence and self-erasure.
The Cost of Staying Quiet
Self-silencing can feel like you’re doing damage control. But in reality, it creates a slow drift away from the people closest to you—and even from yourself.
When your feelings go unspoken, they don’t disappear. Instead, they may fester and build into frustration, resentment, or emotional numbness. Over time, this can lead to what we call “self-abandonment,” where you habitually put your needs aside to keep others comfortable.
It can also feed anxiety. You may become hyper-aware of how others perceive you, constantly walking on eggshells. You might fear that if people knew the real you—your wants, needs, or hurts—they would leave or judge you.
In relationships, this can make it nearly impossible to resolve conflict. If your partner doesn’t know there’s a problem, how can they work on it with you? This misalignment can show up everywhere, even in your sex life. When discomforts or desires remain unspoken, intimacy can feel disconnected or even performative.
Self-silencing may also reflect anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Research conducted in 2007, has shown that chronic self-silencing is linked to lower relationship satisfaction and higher emotional distress.
4 Ways to Start Speaking Up (Safely)
Breaking the habit of silence isn’t easy—especially if it’s protected you in the past. But it’s also a profound act of self-respect. When you begin to speak your truth, you’ll start to see who values your voice and who benefited from your silence. That clarity, while sometimes painful, is deeply empowering.
Here are some ways to begin:
- Take Small Steps: Start with low-stakes moments. Practice using “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, try: “I need to talk about something that’s been on my mind.” This sets a collaborative tone and reduces defensiveness.
- Find Safe Spaces: Begin with people who you already trust—or with a therapist. Building confidence in safe environments makes it easier to speak up in more difficult ones.
- Normalize Discomfort: Growth doesn’t always feel good. Remind yourself that discomfort isn’t the same as danger—it’s a natural part of unlearning and healing.
- Use Journaling as Rehearsal: Write down what you wish you could say. This helps organize your thoughts and reduce anxiety when you decide to speak up. It also gives you insight into your own needs.
You Can Do This
Self-silencing may have kept you safe at one time, but it no longer serves the life you’re building. Speaking up isn’t selfish, it’s essential. You deserve relationships where your voice matters—where you don’t have to shrink yourself to be loved.
If you’re ready to change this pattern, we’re here for you. At Peacefulway, our therapists specialize in helping people reclaim their voice and build deeper, more authentic relationships. Whether you’re navigating love, work, or family dynamics, we can support you in practicing brave, honest communication.
Reach out today for a free 15-minute consultation. Let’s take the first step together.
And in the wise words of Maggie Kuhn, remember “speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.”
My goal is to provide a safe and welcoming place for you as you take steps to improve your life and find your own path towards fulfillment and satisfaction. Call or message today to schedule your free phone consultation or arrange your first appointment.